Bittersweet

I'll warn you now this is a serious post...

Last May I had a miscarriage. The pain was intense. Not the physical pain, I had none. But the emotional pain. I have heard "A man becomes a father when he holds his child and a woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant" or something along those lines. And it's true, that "fetus" was my child, my daughter. Yes, it was much too soon to know the sex of the baby but I know deep within my heart and soul that it was a girl.

Why am I bringing it up now? It's coming up on what would have been her 1st birthday, I was due November 30th.

It was really difficult to talk about at the time and I didn't want to, but was forced to because I announced my pregnancy too early, but I'll get to that. But, now I'm ready to talk about it and I want to. I never want to forget about her.

The pregnancy was going along smoothly without a hitch, but one day I started bleeding, not much just a little. And I wasn't too concerned, my sister bled off and on during one of her pregnancies and everything turned out fine. But, I called the doctors and they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound. And I heard the worst words imaginable "We can't find a heartbeat"...the baby was also measuring 4 weeks smaller than she should have been and the placenta was tearing away from my uterus (hence the bleeding, I imagine).

I think I knew even at 7 weeks (that how big she measured and she should have been 11 weeks) that I had lost her. That's when I decided to announce my pregnancy even though we had decided to wait until the end of the first trimester (except our families already knew)...I just didn't feel pregnant, it didn't feel real. I wasn't sick like I was with miniG, so I just wanted to say it out loud and maybe then it would feel more real....

Why would God allow me that pain? I think it was in His mercy that I lost her when I did. Most miscarriages occur because something is wrong with the baby. Something that would not allow them to live outside the womb. So, I think God in His infinite love and wisdom took her early to minimize the pain for me, for us, as much as He could...

I was very hesitant to get pregnant again, I didn't think I could survive that kind of pain again. But God blessed us with our amazingly sweet Chunkamunk. That's why it is bittersweet.

Sorry for depressing you if you managed to read this...I just wanted to remember